A great litmus test for understanding whether something is our responsibility is to look at whether the efforts we throw at it make a positive difference over time.
If nothing happens or we experience temporary change and then it reverts to the typical pattern, it’s because whatever we’re trying to influence or control, is not our responsibility or within our control, hence why twisting ourselves into a pretzel in order to ‘make’ someone become available, is a waste of time.
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Good article which talks about the imbalance of friendships (or any relationship) and how your mindset significantly affects things.
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Not knowing how things are going to work out drives us crazy even though none us know the finer details of how our future is going to unfold. We want it yesterday and so we expend a lot of energy trying to control things and stressing about when and if things are going to happen. We find it hard to have faith in ourselves or in life in general.
‘Should’ is rigid. It’s ‘rules’ that aren’t actual rules, and yeah, it’s ego. We forget who we are and we forget where we’ve been, our values, needs, desires etc., and we say things about us that either feed a sense of inadequacy or falsely bolster us by making out that we’re being wronged and thwarted by others that we feel that we should be the same as or better than. This veering between inferiority and superiority effectively cuts us off from our true selves and causes us to self-sabotage.
Your schedule is not life’s schedule. There isn’t a timetable and sometimes, we don’t get something as we pictured it but it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen at all or that it won’t show up in some way. Of course, if we’re beating ourselves up and living in the past, we do indeed ‘miss out’.
The desire to control is about what you think won’t happen if you’re not in control, but that’s fear talking. You don’t always know best, or at least certainly not in anything that’s fear-based. If you attempt to micromanage your life and rest your happiness on one specific outcome with one specific person, it will feel as if you’re getting screwed by life.
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving up; it means not being twisted up in fear trying to control the uncontrollable. It means being vulnerable enough to keep being you and seeing what life has to offer. It means confronting those fears and being kind to you anyway. It means recognising that there are alternatives to the way you see things. It means having an open palm instead of clenched fist attitude to life.
Your plan isn’t necessarily the plan and sometimes, your plan represents your limitations not your highest potential for your truest, most loving self.
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Great article on whether you’re continuously choosing friends who are not valuing you; and if you are not opening up sufficiently to others but expecting them to read your needs.
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